On the one hand, Yee-Fan Cutter sounds absolutely ridiculous to me ... my first name is just way too ethnic-sounding, I think, to be followed by a decidedly Anglo-Saxon surname. On the other hand, there is something nice about sharing a name as a married couple, and actually having the same last name as my future kids.

Just wondering whether anyone else has had any thoughts on the matter? Planning to keep your name or take your husband's? And for you guys, does it matter to you whether your wife decides to take your name, or not?

i think it's so interesting that so many of us grew up assuming we'd never part with our names, and when it actually comes down to it, are realizing that taking a husband's last name isn't so much about giving up your own identity as it about making a statement about your unity as a couple.

What's really interesting about this is that for 14 years, my professional name was my "ancestor's" name. So until recently my SS card and driver's license had SHS (married) and my professional licenses had SDH (single). I used my single name or my married name depending upon the situation. I am in the process of changing over all the professional licenses to the married name (both names not hypenated).

It's just too confusing otherwise. I forget which name to use in different situations (my bank accounts have multiple sig cards just in case I forget -- and I do!) and in personal settings, when I used my married name only, I know I lost some valuable business contacts because they didn't equate Mrs. S with Ms. H.

I don't think it really changes your identity. I was married before and hated myself for changing my name. I changed it back immediately after the divorce and it was a great weight removed by changing it back to "my name". This time, I am comfortable in my marriage and -- more importantly -- comfortable with myself. The name really doesn't matter. (Although I would not recommend using your born with first and middle names with the husband's last name. I made that mistake the first time. By taking the last name with your "ancestor's" name as a middle name, I think you maintain your familial identity and forge a new one with your "new family". It's a nice mix.)

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Originally posted by yeefan:
kava, i like your solution of both keeping your surname and taking your husband's, but without hyphenation. out of curiosity, when people ask for your last name, do you then tell them both last names? this guy i knew in college had two last names, not hypenated, and people would sometimes mistake the first last name for a middle name.

is there anyone out there who decided/will decide to keep their surname? i'd be interested in hearing some more perspectives on this ...

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quote:

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Originally posted by yeefan:
kava, i like your solution of both keeping your surname and taking your husband's, but without hyphenation. out of curiosity, when people ask for your last name, do you then tell them both last names? this guy i knew in college had two last names, not hypenated, and people would sometimes mistake the first last name for a middle name.

i think it's so interesting that so many of us grew up assuming we'd never part with our names, and when it actually comes down to it, are realizing that taking a husband's last name isn't so much about giving up your own identity as it about making a statement about your unity as a couple.

is there anyone out there who decided/will decide to keep their surname? i'd be interested in hearing some more perspectives on this ...

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Now as I have begun my professional career as an unmarried woman, I have given thought to keeping my maiden name once I am married. The only reason I am considering this is that I would hate to hurt my career by changing names now that I am established.

I am taking my fiancee's name. I have a decidedly western european name and heritage, so i find taking my fiancee's name-Duarte- is an exciting change!

Secondly, I'm not close with my mother-in-law--she has some real personality quirks that make her kind of a difficult person to deal with. I tend to think of her as the "Mrs. (husband's last name)" and I just can't identify with her at all. I don't want to be the second or other "Mrs. (husband's last name)."

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Originally posted by SmallBladder:
I'll always identify myself as a "SmallBladder" woman

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hee hee.that^ made me laugh.

I'm an O', so I walk around with a heritage marker that I wouldn't have if I married a man named Alvarez for instance, and took his name. Now if my name were Sinead instead of Jane, that wouldn't be an issue.

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I can't imagine why any self respecting woman
these days would lose her name for her husband's. If you want to share a name, then why is it YOU that needs to change your identity to the world? Why can't he? If you eventually have kids, why can't they take on both your names? Why did you get that M.D., M.B.A., or L.L.B. (etc) just to lose all your contacts/network by losing your last name?
Or, is it him (or worse, his mother) that is still working from the dark ages. If so, what other decisions is he going to push you into (I have been married 8 years and know of what I speak). We are living in the 21st century girls! Get your head out of the fifties.

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yee-fan's comments:

ooo boy, let the replies fly! surely I'm not the only one who respectfully but VEHEMENTLY disagrees with parimon's comments. I can assure you that I have heaps of self-respect, and a very strong sense of individuality, and that if I do choose to take my husband's name -- for the record, I'm still undecided on this matter -- it will be because I like the idea of my family being united by a common name, NOT because I'm giving in to anyone else's expectations. I don't see that how much education I have or whether I consider myself a feminist has anything to do with this issue. And while I commend women who go against tradition by keeping their own name, and men who go against tradition by taking on their wife's name, I think it's a very, very personal decision and that choosing to go the traditional route doesn't in any way make one "backwards."

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As far as weddings go, I intend to take my husband's last name when I marry. To me, an important part of marriage my father giving me to my husband. In this transaction it only seems right to put away my father's name and take my husband's. But to each their own...it's something everyone needs to decide on their own.

P.S. well, there's all that I said above, and also the fact that if I were to marry my current boyfriend and hyphenate my name, I would become
Ginger Anne Wright Gerondale-(ack, I just found this on google... go away!)
and that is just a mouthful!!!

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There was a lot more to that post, and looking at it now, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense out of context! Pretty much what I was trying to say is that I believe wholeheartedly that the traditional way is best, (although I don't have a problem with people who disagree) and I don't see anything about it that downgrades my level of self respect and individuality. By marrying someone, it is saying that we have chosen to give our lives to each other. A name doesn't seem like a huge concession to me when I am getting the complete love and devotion of another person. On the contrary, I believe having the same name is just another way of showing your bond to that person you marry.

[This message has been edited by Dewgirl (edited 11-17-2000).]

(and then I edited again because I found it on Google and wanted to take out my boyfriend from about 100 boyfriends ago's last name, eek!)

I am definately going to take Sean's: Palmerston. My thinking is that it is a) a gift that I give to Sean when we finally make it all official -I love, trust and want to be with you so much that I will alter this part of my identity to create one name with you- , and b) I am kind of looking forward to having a new name, it'll be neat.

Of course, this is not to say that I am not a little bit nervous or conflicted about the eventuality. I've been Leanne Kemmler for an awful long time now. It will definately be a shift of perspective to change that name. I am a great believer in perspective shifts being a strong basis for personal change (much like I am looking forward to turning 30 so that I can cap off the terror that was my 20's and begin anew). I do not mind one bit to be the one to take Sean's name. Frankly, I do not doubt that I will be the chief decision maker/power monger in the relationship and so I do not see changing names as a weak, unfeminist thing to do. I run the family and home now, and probably in future, and taking his name is a little thing. And I make more money.

We are not going to take my name because I don't really like Kemmler all that much. It most often gets confused with Himmler, an unpleasant association.

You raise a valid point and though I do not wish to do this, I know some people who have. A friend and the Music Director of the radio station Sean and I volunteer at took his wife's name Hayashi; my dear cousin took his wife's name Clark. In both cases I am unaware of anyone batting an eye. I have a feeling that more of my acquaintances have done this, but at the moment I am stumped.

I would like to counter-challenge you to provide an argument proving that maintaining any tradition with regards to name choice is wrong or somehow distasteful. This seems to be the point you are making: If those of us who have or will be taking our husband's names at marriage are actually intelligent, we must be "merely" doing it for traditionalist reasons and therefore are still making an erroneous choice.

Frankly, aside from some of the sexual politics of that era, I would love to live in the 50's.

Parimon -- I'm sorry this is "boring" you; I think it's fair to say that we all appreciate your strong opinions on this matter, but that your confrontational tone in your very first post seemed like it could ONLY have been intended to push a few buttons and put some of us on the defensive, no? I like hearing different viewpoints, I really do, but what I don't like so much is when people who have those unconventional viewpoints judge me for believing differently. I look forward to hearing more of your opinions, but here's the thing: when you've got an antagonistic attitude towards other people, they're probably going to respond likewise. I'm just saying.

For me personally, I would feel somewhat uncomfortable taking the name of my current boyfriend if we ever got married. I'm half Irish, 1/4 English and 1/4 French-Canadian. He's 1/2 Italian, and his name is *totally* Italian. I love Italy and Italian culture, but I'm simply NOT Italian, and I don't want my name to be. On the other hand, if someday I hooked up with an Irish guy with an Irish sounding last name, I might feel fine about taking that name, because I am very interested in my Irish heritage, but my last name is French-Canadian.

I also have some issues with the overall idea of taking the name -- it bothers me to think that my whole identity is at least symbolically subsumed into the man's. I have a family and a heritage, too, and while I really understand the appeal of "unity", it seems (at least to me) that this sort of unity is not particularly fair. I mean, unity is good, but not when it stifles the contributions of the other side. Just as an example, (and feel free to switch the sides here depending on your own persuasions) it would be conducive to unity if every single Democrat in the US decided to just vote for Republican propositions for unity's sake, but I think it would also be a very bad idea.