ps. I should note that this decision was made ALOT easier by the fact that we are not having children

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Originally posted by zazzera:
I would love for us both to change our names to something new for a fresh start. Any suggestions on coming up with a new family name??? (leaving no trace of the old ones)

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Just wanted to bring this back up, b/c this is what boy & I plan to do (long story, I think I posted the reason why earlier in this thread.) I don't know how to LOOK for a name - there's not really a family name in either of our families that he'll agree to take, he wants to start completely new. I want something that will MEAN something to both of us, yet not sound like we obviously made it up. Also, I am getting worried about the explaining-things-to-family part, and also starting to wonder what I might tell any children we might have, when they want to know about the history of the "Whatever" family.

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Originally posted by bekkaboo:

Spiderman (pronounced SPIDD-er-munn).

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[QUOTE]Originally posted by pollyhyper:
Never heard this...please tell me more!
And welcome to Digs![/QUOTE

Actually, I believe you are referring to the wedding march by Richard Wagner? He was alive during that later part of the 19th century. His music was used as propaganda by the Nazis, but he was not a Nazi himself as he was actually born much earlier and wasn't alive at the time. Hitler et al used many German composers as part of their twisted propaganda system (i.e., Bach was a great German 'cause he worked hard and churned out lots of compositions). What you may be referring to was the practice of having Jewish orchestras at the concentration camps to help the people march to their deaths. So, in a since, they may have been marching while hearing the "Wedding March" but it also could have been a Brahms Symphony. *Whew* I recommend the book "Music and the Third Reich" by Erik Levi for more information.

Note: I respect your choice of not choosing this piece for this reason, it's just the wee music-history person in me can't pass up the chance to jump in!

sorry for the interruption--I will now happily live vicariously through all your beautiful weddings!

[This message has been edited by TinyGirl (edited 01-28-2005).]

ETA: an "i" and insert quotes

I'm a woman in my fifties, recently married for the second time. First marriage was at age 23, lasted 17 years, followed by 10 years single, which included raising my youngest son alone. Met my now-husband four years ago, and have been with him since, married last Oct.

When I divorced my first husband, I resumed use of my maiden name. It felt SOO good to be "ME" again. I had never liked his name, and always felt like some kind of imposter. Hated when people would ask thing like, "Are you related to so-and-so?" and I'd have to say, "I have no idea, that's my husband's family ...."

Also, I am immensely proud of my family name, as it has been traced back to the 900s, and so represents a thousand years of blood and history.

But my husband, normally a gentle, kind, unassuming, very easygoing guy, really got adamant about me changing my name when we married, said he'd give in on about anything else but that, that we *had* to have the same name, that's how his parents did it, that's just how it was done. So I reluctantly acquiesced, with the caveat that I would keep my maiden name as a middle name, and USE all three names in the fashion of Hillary Rodham Clinton, etc.

Well, I've tried. I changed all my docs, etc. But no matter how emphatic I've been, things keep coming addressed to Myfirstname, Middleinitial, Hislastname. I've fought with my employer, magazine subscriptions and the cell phone company. It's largely a software problem, as computers are set up to deal ONLY with a first name, mi, and last name, period.

To me it's insulting, disrespectful and arrogant of these companies to arbitrarily change my middle name to an initial, especially when I have made it emphatically clear that is against my wishes. Now, even the SSA has done it. My SS card has my name right, but I've started getting mail from them, like the annual wage report, addressed to Myfname, Mi, Hislname, and they say they can't fix it, that's just the way the computer does it.

I cried for almost two hours last night. I feel SO bad. It's like I'm disappearing, being just wiped out. I can't face years and decades of this fight just to have MY NAME recognized and used and not disappear into his identity. And my husband sees how upset I am, but truly does not understand.

Has anyone ever heard of someone NOT getting divorced, but resuming their maiden name? How hard is it? YOu have to have a court order, right? Can a judge refuse you? Oh please, I would welcome any and all comments, I just feel so bad. Thank you.

Chris

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Originally posted by txbyrd:
..... Also, I am immensely proud of my family name, as it has been traced back to the 900s, and so represents a thousand years of blood and history.

But my husband, normally a gentle, kind, unassuming, very easygoing guy, really got adamant about me changing my name when we married, said he'd give in on about anything else but that, that we *had* to have the same name, that's how his parents did it, that's just how it was done. So I reluctantly acquiesced, with the caveat that I would keep my maiden name as a middle name, and USE all three names in the fashion of Hillary Rodham Clinton, etc.
....
Oh please, I would welcome any and all comments, I just feel so bad. Thank you.

Chris

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I don't feel like I have to take hubbies' name when I get married next month but I want to because;
We have been together 12 years and are getting married 'cause we want to.
My surname sounds like what you do after a big night out on the drink (think Chief Wiggam's son)
My new initials will be RAW.
I don't feel like it will make me feel *owned*.
Glad to *talk* to you.

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Originally posted by txbyrd:
I Has anyone ever heard of someone NOT getting divorced, but resuming their maiden name? How hard is it?

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I have a friend who recently changed her name back without getting divorced. Her situation was very similar to yours. When she got married, she wanted to use both last names with no hypen. And like you have experienced, all documents would come back to her with a middle initial instead of the whole name--even her drivers license, even though she asked that they put her whole name on it.

Zazzera, thanks for that input about being able to use two last names. I didn't know that; maybe that could be a solution - or two first names, or whatever.

Today another letter came addressed to both of us - this one didn't even bother with a middle intial. When I see that, it's just like a knife through my heart. I wish I could make him understand.

Well, since I see people are still alive on this thread :-) I'll keep monitoring it for awhile, while I try to think of what to do. Thanks again so much, all of you!

Chris

We talked a lot about the name issue when we got engaged, settling pretty quickly on the merging (he's a feminist, too,) before getting discouraged with the unwieldy combinations we initially came up with. What we finally decided on (after months of discussing ALL the possibilities - except the "Sonny and Cher" thing, whoever posted that is more creative than we are ) - is short and sweet, with only a few letters from each name, and it makes us happy.

Since we have yet to make this announcement to all but our closest family, we don't know how much heat we'll take, but we're prepared for it. I think the important thing is that couples go with something that feels right to them and stick with it. I'm bracing myself to correct the "Mr. and Mrs. HisFirstNameHisOldLastName"ers gently but firmly keeping in mind that I'm the one breaking with tradition/etiquette.

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Originally posted by MoonMonkey:

Actually, the biggest issue for me right now is addressing wedding invitations... I want to use the wording each person is most comfortable with, but don't know that for everyone... tempted to use guests' first names since our wedding is going to be casual, but I'm sure that's a big no-no. The last thing I'd want to do is default to the traditional way for people whose preferences I don't know - any thoughts on this?

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I generally address things (Xmas cards, etc) to "The Lastname Family" or to "The Lastnames." I just can't bring myself to ever address anything to Mr. and Mrs. Histfirstname Hislastname; it's just too archaic and silly to me.

If the couple have two different last names, I figure you'd be fine with first names since they clearly aren't hell-bent on tradition either.

I have been considering changing my surname to my mother's maiden name for several years. I have no relationship with my father, who left when I was very young. Even though my mother divorced my father when I was 2 yrs old, she kept his name (so we would have the same name) until recently (she waited a long time - I'm 27).

My mother's maiden name is a great ethnic name that I really like.

My issue is — I might get married someday and I don't want to deal (professionally) with two name changes, especially if the first one was not due to marriage. I am not sure if my boy and I will get hitched, but if we do I would LOVE to take his name. It is also a great ethnic name that has fantastic alliteration with my first name. Also, I do believe in the idea of sharing a name as a sign of unity. Plus, I am actually closer to his family than I am to my own.

I'm a writer and name recognition is important, so in spite of how backward this might sound, I am waiting to see if we get married before getting rid of my father's name.

Although - I haven't published much high-profile work yet, but when I do - hopefully soon! - I do NOT want my byline to be my given (father's) name.

Comments? Has anyone changed their name twice? Does anyone think it might not be that disastrous?

I wouldn't take my boy's last name unless we got married... We are still working out whether we want to marry or just have a long-term partnership.

I like the idea of using a pen name professionally. If I do, it would be "Audrey Pillow."

Does anyone have thoughts on how that sounds? It fits my personality, but what does it conjure up for strangers? (I write in the fields of art/design/fashion).

It would be great if Audrey Pillow becomes famous, but at this stage, my "real name" recognition seems quite important because I am trying to parlay freelance writing into a full-time job.

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Originally posted by audreypillow:
Thanks for the responses!

I wouldn't take my boy's last name unless we got married... We are still working out whether we want to marry or just have a long-term partnership.

I like the idea of using a pen name professionally. If I do, it would be "Audrey Pillow."

Does anyone have thoughts on how that sounds? It fits my personality, but what does it conjure up for strangers? (I write in the fields of art/design/fashion).

It would be great if Audrey Pillow becomes famous, but at this stage, my "real name" recognition seems quite important because I am trying to parlay freelance writing into a full-time job.

Arrg.:;

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Originally posted by nicocasanova:
Hi,

I read through many of your posts and am still confused. I have a major attachment to my last name, Casanova. I love it! My sister and I are the last Casanova's in the family... my family is from Genoa, Italy... and I like all the noteriety that comes with the name. I'm sure that I'm attached to my former party girl persona and the name represents alot of that. I never thought I'd give it up. My boyfriend is Korean and very traditional and wants me to take his. He's cool with me keeping mine for professional purposes. It just seems like such a hassle to deal to make the change and such a hassle to keep it when kids come into the picture.
There's a part of me that believes that if I let it go, I'll release the last bit of my former self and that a new better me will show up...

but as I said, for so long it's been my identity and I'm really sad to let it go.

Is it easier to bite the bullet and take his name than it is to maintain 2 names in different situations? If I make Casanova my middle name, I'm basically mrs. lee then, right?

hmmm..

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Originally posted by crowjoy:
Hi Nico, this will probably get moved to the existing "change your name" thread and I'll bump it for you.

But my first thought is, can you make Lee your middle name? Then he can introduce you as Mrs. Lee but you can keep your legal name Casanova. Then you could reverse it for the kids?

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Originally posted by nicocasanova:
Interesting- I've read so many posts and most of the women move their maiden name to the middle... I've never seen it reversed.

Will present that option- thanks!

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I realize that some guys are 'tradtional' but does that give them a free ride on these issues?

I see a ton of options but most importantly I think you should do what you want in the end: it's your name, you have to live with it not the boy.
1) have HIM take YOUR last name
2) you take his last name
3) you both have two last names (hyphonated or not)
4) take his last name as your middle name
5) have him take your last name as his middle name
6) pick a new last name together
?

On my sscard it's KLW. At first I used KRW (my middle name's R). This was mainly because I despised my dad for a while and had thoughts of using my mom's maiden name, A.

I also don't really know any part of my dad's family as well as I know my mom's (I met his dad *once* when I was very small), so I have no real attachment to L other than having it as my last name for almost 21 years before getting married. Then I got irritated by my old self disappearing and started using KLW all the time -at work, new bank accounts, etc. I'm still KRL, I'm just married to JW.

Wow, I'm so homesick now, and proud of my family!

Oh, and W is a cool last name. It fits in with my love of nature. People misspell it, though; how do you misspell a name that is only five letters long?!

First off, I intend to take my husband's name when I marry. It's funny; I had always intended to keep my maiden name, because my sister and I are the last generation with our family name, and I didn't want to see it lost. (It's a common last name -- in England, anyway, which is where my family is from -- but we're the last of *our* family.) However, I really like my partner's last name, and I like the idea of unifying with him (and I know he is far, far too traditional to take MY name instead). Also, my boyfriend's father was adopted, so in a way we're honouring his adoptive grandparents by keeping the last name. His last name is more important to him than mine is to me, so I'll take his name. That being said, I intend to continue using my maiden name as my pen name (I've yet to be published, but I am a writer); that way, I continue to honour my family and keep the name going (in a sense, it's almost more permanent than having children), and my name is alliterative, so it sounds really ... well, writerly.

Now, on to other examples in my social group.

I have friends who were married a few years ago. The wife, C, was adopted, and her last name was very, very important to her: it was the first "gift" her adoptive parents ever gave her. The husband, T, was also fond of his last name, for reasons very similar to my own: he was the last of his family, and wanted to keep the name going. So, when C and T got married, they both hyphenated their last names, so they're Mr. and Mrs. C & T Jones-Smith. I've always found that very sweet.

My married roommates both have different last names. The wife, H, didn't have any particular reason for keeping her last name (although she too is adopted); she just didn't feel like going through the hassle of changing it. And it comes in handy when telemarketers call, because if they ask for Mr. Jones (the wife's last name) we can say there's no-one by that name in the house.

Finally, I have friends who were married but are now divorced. The ex-wife has chosen to keep her married name (she took her husband's name when they married), although the divorce has been quite bitter. Her maiden name was long and complicated and very often misspelled, and her ex-husband's name was short (four letters!) and easy to say. So, while she holds no love for him OR his name, she's keeping it because it's easier than her maiden name.

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Originally posted by ejwarner:
I am getting married in two weeks. I have not yet chosen what my name will be. I have thought of having both names. I was considering just taking his name. The only problem is, he has been married before and there is already someone with his last name. This is my dilemma. I do not want to give up my identity, but the thought of having the same name is nice except for the fact someone already has it. Someone help me out.

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Originally posted by Mirinae:
Finally, I have friends who were married but are now divorced. The ex-wife has chosen to keep her married name (she took her husband's name when they married), although the divorce has been quite bitter. Her maiden name was long and complicated and very often misspelled, and her ex-husband's name was short (four letters!) and easy to say. So, while she holds no love for him OR his name, she's keeping it because it's easier than her maiden name.

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