When I was married I assumed my wife would take my last name (she did), we didn't discuss this issue before we were married, I would have been very sad if she did not take my name. I love my last name and I love my wife and I wanted my wife to have my name because I love her (does that make any sense)?

Anyway many of my friends (men) prefer to have their wives to have their last name. I have seen feminist writing that claims this arrangement is unfair and it implies "ownership" of another person. I don't want to be a chauvinist - but it is important to me that my wife have my name. (Why is it so important? I don't know why, it just is. It's important to many men I believe.)

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Originally posted by chitowngal:
Just to put in my 2 cents in (like I could possibly resist). I plan to take my husband's name when I marry. I don't feel especially strong about it one way or another. One concern I have, however, is the career aspect, not only of losing contacts, but of having to write all the agencies/associations/boards etc., to change my name. I have decided that I will keep my current last name as my professional name, and take my husbands last name as my social name. I guess for me, my real identity is not really tied up in my last name, maybe its just cuz all my names are pretty common so they haven't added any spice to my life. I mean people add an "s" to my last name all the time and call me Lauren or Laurie instead of Laura and that doesn't bother me either. I'm pretty hard to bother

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I wrote the above almost 4 years ago. I have taken Super T's name for personal AND professional (I think I would get confused having 2 last names), I have written all the appropriate agencies and had it changed. The day before we flew off to Vegas to get married I was writing all the letters that I needed to in order to change my name with all my credit cards, the ABA, the Supreme Court of Illinois, ARDC whatnot and I kept bursting into tears (okay so I was 3 almost 4 months pregnant, I was prone to crying fits!!) at the thought of never ever being Chitowngal Maidenname ever again. Its mostly because that was what I was used to. I still have to hesitate before someone asks me what my name is. I do like having his last name though, I like the unity it brings to our little family. I still screw up signing my checks and credit cards though and I still get mail addressed to the old name, but oh well.

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Originally posted by kmarie:

I have a unique issue - if I were to hyphenate my last name after getting married, by initials would be K K K. Not really an option.

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FINALLY!!! Someone with my problem!! My first and middle initials are K. I once dated a guy whose last name started with K. I *definitely* would not have changed my last name to his if we'd gotten married!!

My take on this issue: I think it's very cool when women don't have the same last name as their husbands. Very urban-hip. Before I got married, though, I'd never really decided for myself if I would take my husband's last name.

We married secretly (it seems stupid now that we've been married 7 years) and I kept my last name originally because I think changing my name would have been a dead giveaway to our families. He was in the navy at the time, and when I went to get my military ID, they said, "we don't care if you're keeping your last name, your last name is according to us." (I guess the military doesn't participate in women's lib.) So my military ID had his name.

Two years after getting married, we had a "wedding," and honestly, I was tired of using both names. I also felt like taking his name made us more of a married couple. When I asked if he'd prefer me to take his name, he said that he'd like me to but wouldn't be upset if I didn't want to.

I don't feel like taking his name means he "owns" me - in fact, I'm independent and "wear the pants in the family" more than he does.

I just got married and became a real estate agent. I still haven't decided what to do about my name, but I need to decide by tommorrow morning to be able to order some promotional items for the new year on time (just found that out).

So dilemma - As a real estate agent - name recognition is everything, and I mean everything. I plan on going very far with this (hopefully) and so my goal is to get everyone is our area to know who I am. This means that every person I meet, from someone who calls me about a house to the clerk at Dunkin Donuts is a potential client. So whatever name I decide to use is the name I will always be using and once I choose this name, I will have to stick with it for the rest of my career.

Now, my husband, while prefering that I take his name, is supportive either way, so it isn't an issue. I personally don't like that I have to change my name (it's my name!), but I also think it can be nice to be traditional. My biggest thing is I want my kids and I to have the same last name. So I am essentially torn on the whole thing.

Ok, so my last name is very long and my husband's last name is very long. So hyphenating the two names is a bad idea.

Now, the reason to keep my old name is that I already have name recognition. I was "that girl" in high school in college (local) that was involved in everything and everyone knew. In fact, I just started and had someone call about a house and right away they asked if I went to high school with them. Also, my father is the broker and one of the top sellers in our area (I have the female version of his first name too), so I'd have name recognition b/c of him. Plus, my mother is the biggest social butteryfly on the planet (and we live near eachother). SO let's say I have a billboard, I think people will pass it, see the name and say, "Oh, that must be B's daughter". So that is the pro to keeping my old name.

On the flip side, I won't have my kids name which I don't like (and I can't just go with my husband's name for the kids stuff, b/c activities & school stuff with my (hopefully future) kids is a great way to get your name out there). Also, most things that have my name will have my picture too and I am that girl that no matter what I do, I still look like I have for my whole life. Someone came up to me to ask if I went to kindergarten with them b/c they recognized me. So I will have recognition already without my name. Also, my husband's name sounds nice and is very unique (wihtout being hard to pronounce). There is barely anyone out there with the same last name. So that would make me unique. I also asked other agents in the office and they said they don't think I'll lose too much business by changing my name.

And worry about the kids when they come along. By then you'll be such a recognizable name brand that you won't have to worry about it.

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Originally posted by pollyhyper:
So what did you end up doing? (For the business cards)

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I did end up taking just his last name. I will legally be dropping my middle name and making my middle name my maiden name and his last name mine. For work purposes, it will just be my first name and his last.

I was still torn, so I asked a few other agents (most of which are top selling agents) and all of them I should defintely change it. They said that they did not think I am at a point where I have name recognition for real estate and I won't lose that much without my name. They also said having the same name as your kids is a major marketing plus. All the women said they made major connections b/c of their kids & activities. I knew they were right, it just wasn't a clear cut decision. But after taking in all the opinions, I felt this was best. Now lets hope I make lots and lots of $$$$ with my new name!

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Originally posted by poppy:
I am going to take my fiance's name but to use my last name as one of my future children's middle name.

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Originally posted by yeefan:
kava, i like your solution of both keeping your surname and taking your husband's, but without hyphenation. out of curiosity, when people ask for your last name, do you then tell them both last names? this guy i knew in college had two last names, not hypenated, and people would sometimes mistake the first last name for a middle name.

i think it's so interesting that so many of us grew up assuming we'd never part with our names, and when it actually comes down to it, are realizing that taking a husband's last name isn't so much about giving up your own identity as it about making a statement about your unity as a couple.

is there anyone out there who decided/will decide to keep their surname? i'd be interested in hearing some more perspectives on this ...

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We're also both extremely independent people, maybe that has something to do with what a non-issue the decision turned out to be.

If we have a kid (jury's still out), we'll probably hyphenate our two last names together to form Bebe Name-Name. I'd rather give Hypothetical Le Bebe my name but I assume he'll want some official stamp on it as well.

I grew up in a house with three last names and it never seemed to be that big of a deal. My mom hyphenated her name to keep her last intial, and my brother and I had our dad's last name and my sister had her dad's (our stepdad). My sister's a great deal younger than my brother and I, and by the time she came up in the school system, Mom was called Mrs. SisterName instead of Mrs. Xenopi, neither of which were really her name, but she never seemed to care or make a big deal out of it.

I will say that it took some gentle reminding and pointed signing of holiday cars to educate extended members of the family, but his mother keeps saying how she wishes she had thought to keep her last name, so there's been no backlash, just forgetfulness on my grandfather's part and a few mis-labeled wedding present checks (accepted graciously and cleared through the bank with ease).

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Originally posted by zazzera:
Lately I've been having nightmares about his sludge-on-the-bottom-of-your-shoe father and I really don't want to give up my name to take one that will connect me with that *$%#@. I brought it up the other night and asked him to think about a name we both could take. His point is that I should take HISLASTNAME b/c it is his. My problem is that it is also his dad's. Has anyone else had a similar problem???

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I knew I was going to keep my own name, but one thing that made me feel really good about keeping my own name was the fact I wouldn't share a last name with my FIL. Let's just say FIL is not a nice man and we avoid him as much as possible. Oddly enough, FIL and some family on his side do not acknowledge the fact that I didn't take their name, we ALWAYS get mail sent to "mr and mrs HISLASTNAME" -- I don't think they even know what my last name is! And it's been 3.5 years. AARGH.

I never planned to change my name, unless the potential husband's last name was REALLY cool, like Elfman. I just don't really belive in the whole tradition.

When I started seriously dating Craig, he had wanted me to change my name to his (which makes a rather ridiculous H H alliteration) and was a bit self-righteous about it (we were young). I didn't really make an issue of it then, I figured we had years to work it out, and maybe we wouldn't get married anyway.

Well, we finally did get married, and I kept my name. We've been married over 7 years. We're thinking about kids--I assume they would have his name. By the time we got married, Craig had mellowed and matured and didn't care what I did. In fact, since my last name and his first name are nearly identical, we'd made a joke about swapping last names and hitting the road as an act.

Most people refer to us as "Heather & Craig" (I strive for the rock star recognition of Sonny & Cher or Posh & Becks). It hasn't been a big deal. I really did it for myself, since I like my name and feel very connected to it. It's not familial, since I was not close to my own father but was very close to Craig's. In fact, his very traditional parents never gave me any grief about it--it was MY friends who nagged me about it. Freaks. I'm pretty mellow about it.

The oddest side effect is that often people don't think we are "really" married. I get a lot of "are you guys married?" and I get called girlfriend a lot. We have a very non-traditional relationship in a lot of ways, so it's really just one more thing. Since the vast majority of our friends are gay, I've really stopped thinking of "real" marriage as that important (I'm an atheist, too).

Anita Parker-Smythe and Bob Smythe.

Or else it would be:

Anita and Bob Smythe, which is not correct, but my husband to be will NOT go for:

Anita and Bob Parker-Smythe.

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Originally posted by Heatherina:
[B]For those of you who hyphenated or have a hybrid yourlastname/hislastname name, how do you sign joint cards, etc?
Anita Parker-Smythe and Bob Smythe.

Or else it would be:

Anita and Bob Smythe, which is not correct, but my husband to be will NOT go for:

Anita and Bob Parker-Smythe.
B]

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Originally posted by jstrizzy:
That's what my parents did: my sister and I both have my mom's maiden name as our middle names. It's not a very common name, and it's definitely not a first name, so I end up explaining it a lot.

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This is exactly what my mom and dad did with my sister and I; unfortunately, my mom's maiden name sounds like a gag, but I figure if she grew up with it I can handle having it as a middle name...

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Originally posted by bodwick42:
I'm so incensed that so many women acquiesce to this stupid tradition of taking their husband's last names I don't know where to start.

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yeah, it really fucking sucks when women get to make their own choices.

a tip for you - don't blast in to a new board and start ranting. We're not like that here, and it makes you sound crazy.

Both of us are quite attached to our last names. Neither of us has an issue with maintaining our separate birth names, and yet we both feel like we'd like to share a name. But neither of us wants to change. Herein lies out dilemma. It's not a source of tension, but it is a topic we talk about at least once a month (no not when I'm PMS-ing ).

I was raised VERY traditionally, and in the years since I have left home I have become increasingly non-traditional. Well, not non-traditional per-say, but I question traditions and their origins a lot. I questioned whether to wear a ring because of traditions I had read about shackles. I questioned allowing my father to walk me down the aisle because of traditions of "transferring ownership." I questioned the tradition of using the "wedding march" as my "down the aisle song" because it was written in Nazi Germany and played as Jews were marched into the incinerators (History of Music 101 -very sad discovery I wished I never knew).

The more research on traditions I have done, the happier I have been in making my decisions on which ones to uphold, and which not to. (I wear a ring and both of my parents walked me, but I chose Pachelbels canon in "D" instead).

Where am I going with all of this? I stumbled upon this page because I was trying to research the origin of the tradition of changing the surname upon marraige. Does anyone know where it came from??? Perhaps if my hubby and I knew a bit more about that, we'd be able to settle the matter once and for all. Orat least we'd be a bit more educated. I'm all for education!

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Originally posted by meggo:
semi-related. My cousin got married the same year I did (2002) and she's now expecting a baby. I went on line to find her registry & it occured to me that I wasn't entirely sure of the spelling of her husbands name (and therefore her new one since she took it) and I find it utterly bizarre that I can loose a cousin.
Now - if my male cousins get married & do all that jazz - I never loose them - I can find them in the phone book etc.
Maybe I should know how to spell her husbands last name - but we have little contact with them - and it's just strange to me. Same thing with friends from high school.

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Originally posted by zitem:
I questioned the tradition of using the "wedding march" as my "down the aisle song" because it was written in Nazi Germany and played as Jews were marched into the incinerators (History of Music 101 -very sad discovery I wished I never knew).

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