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Originally posted by pollyhyper:
If I do decide to keep my name, or some variation of, when is the proper time to inform everyone? Should it be in the invitation? Before that?

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I didn't announce it at all really - I just made really sure that my parents, sisters, aunts etc knew. And I had planned that the dj would NOT say "Announcing Mr & Mrs HisLastName!" (but he did anyway and half the reception hall just cringed).
I was impressed that when the invite to my cousins wedding came in - it was addressed to Hubby HisLastName & Meggo HerLastName. And when we got to the wedding - the place card had the same. I mentioned how happy I was to my uncle and he said "Well, of course we'd do it that way - those are your names."

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My grandmother writes to me as Mrs. His first name Our last name. That kind of bugs me because even though we have the same last name, I don't feel like I'm Mrs. myhusband, know what I mean? But I could let it bother me and then I'd be ruffled all the time; or I could just let it go and pick my battles.[/B]

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I think your grandmother is just sticking to the old rules and doesn't want it to look like you're divorced...

in the past Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname was a married woman while Mrs. Herfirstname Hislastname was a divorced woman...

For the same reason we sent my great grandma packages to Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname for my whole childhood, when my great grandfather died YEARS before I was even born...

I get around it with my grandmother by just addressing it to Herfirstname Hislastname and putting no Mrs. in front...

I had trouble figuring that out for my graduation announcements as well as I didn't want to insult some older members of my church whom I was sending one to.

I don't understand that mentality either- the idea of, "Now I'm married, all I am is his wife," to the point of giving up one's own given name. Where I work we mail information to women who are women's leaders in the church, so we are constantly receiving addresses and names to add to our mailing list. I HATE it when people send in "Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname". In many cases, we never know these women's first names, because they never send them to us. And it makes doing "personalized" form letters really difficult.

Me: So why is stuff comming to our house addressed to Mrs.TT
Grams: Oh! I did that?
Me: Yup.
Grams: Lord now I really look out of date. Bet that really made your day.
Me: T's been calling Mrs.TT for a week now.
Grams: Just habit you know, if I'd have sent something addressed to K.T. years ago I'd would've been run out of town for writing to a harlott.
Me: So now I'm a harlott? Wait til mom finds out.
Grams: Wait until T finds out! I'll make a note in my address book, so I don't forget again.

I'm glad I mentioned it, now my weekly granny post comes to me and not some psedo-person I refuse to become. It doesn't hurt that my grandparents are pretty open to the idea that things change too.

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Originally posted by Aria:

I think your grandmother is just sticking to the old rules and doesn't want it to look like you're divorced...

in the past Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname was a married woman while Mrs. Herfirstname Hislastname was a divorced woman...

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Agreed. I was taught growing up to always address a letter to a married woman as Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname, and to do anything else was insulting unless the woman was divorced. Same goes for the use of Ms. I know we've discussed that before, though

When I get married, I'll put down Mrs. Hisname Hisname on formal things (wedding responses and such) and Mrs. Myname Hisname in day to day. It doesn't seem like anything to get upset about to me... I'm more than a set of letters.

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Originally posted by natalie:
I wouldn't think that it would go in the invitation. Would you be happy just letting it get around by word of mouth? Or, you could always send your thank you notes with your maiden name on them after the wedding...

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This was done for several reasons, which I think I've explained before: my sister and I are the last mylasts, Dave's last is not his father's name, or his mother's, but his mother's ex-husbands. When Dave was born, she was a divorcee with 3 teenagers. He was the product of a *very* short "relationship," and he's never known his father. MIL figured it would be easier if everyone had the same name.

So, of ALLLL the families that you'd think would have the LEAST to say about me keeping my name, of COURSE my ILs thought/think it's just ridiculous. I don't want the name of my MIL's ex husband -- I would be more open to compromise if there were ANY connection, at all, to dave's last but there is NONE, except that it's what he's gone by his whole life.

He actually hoped I would keep my name and pass on my name, to get past the name he has never felt comfortable having. We briefly talked about him changing, but professionally, he didn't want to. He's well known in his field, and didn't want to lose clients by not being "Dave Hislast" anymore.

So, despite all that, I STILL get stuff form the IL's addressed to "gretchen hislast." Not even "Mrs. Dave hislast," but a straight up complete denial of my name. (I just got a birthday card to that name, and they can't say they don't KNOW, they do, and think I'm the first woman on earth to keep her name.)

At this point, I mostly ignore it, I'm the bigger person, yadayada, but when Baby Mylast come along, I will be much more firm in making sure they use the right name for the child.

Emmalola, I know you went Yourlast with the baby, have there been any problems? (Of course, your family is probably much more evolved than my ILs, but I was just curious!)

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Originally posted by Aria:
Mariposa!!! WHY?!?!? I'd love to have a Polish last name... I'm 1/4 Polish, and everyone laughs when I bring it up, because my last name is so obviously not Polish (cause my Grandma is the Polish one)

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This name has been difficult for me for years. Now I teach first grade, and my kids called me "Miss M" because none of them could pronounce it. Actually, so did all of their parents as well as my colleagues. In a profession where you are constantly, and nearly singularly, called by your last name, having a difficult one stinks!!

I also do not have a big relationship with my name ... my dad isn't always my favorite person (won't go into that here!) and I have 2 brothers who will carry on the name with their own families. My husband is very proud of his last name, and I like it as well. I felt like I wasn't losing any part of myself by taking his name, and I was happy to get rid of the stinky hard to say one

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Originally posted by greschya:
I don't want the name of my MIL's ex husband -- I would be more open to compromise if there were ANY connection, at all, to dave's last but there is NONE, except that it's what he's gone by his whole life.

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Originally posted by greschya:
When Dave and I marry, we'll eschew surnames altogether and request that we be referred to by our first names only, in the spirit of Sonny and Cher, or Madonna and Prince. If being referred to as a couple, instead of the "whoevers" we'll be the "rockingests."

I like that idea.

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Heheh. While thinking about it I went back and began reading this thread from the beginning. This may be the answer to my problems - I'm telling boy I'm just not HAVING a last name. And I'll change the spelling of my first name. Yes, from now on my name will be just REBEKKA!!! Fabulous, don't you think?????

I remember when I was in third grade my teacher got married in the middle of the school year, and we all had a hard time remembering her "new last name" so by the end of the school year she was pretty much fed up with it and didn't care either way..so us kids could pretty much address her as one of three names, tough....

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Originally posted by bekkaboo:

Heheh. While thinking about it I went back and began reading this thread from the beginning. This may be the answer to my problems - I'm telling boy I'm just not HAVING a last name. And I'll change the spelling of my first name. Yes, from now on my name will be just REBEKKA!!! Fabulous, don't you think?????

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Originally posted by bebetoile:
So they decided to create a hybrid - Shocks

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That is soooo awesome!

My friend's great-great-grandmother was a Chinese woman who had married an Englishman and moved to England, thus adopting the surname "Mitchell". Her first husband passed away, and she went on to marry my friend's great-great-grandfather. The great-great-grandfather was disowned by his family for marrying a Chinese person, so he took on his wife's (and wife's deceased husband's) surname.

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Originally posted by tallgrrl:
I don't know any men personally who have taken on the last names of their wives, but I have heard of one instance other than this one - but this one seems so unusual considering how long ago it would have happened.

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Originally posted by greschya:

Emmalola, I know you went Yourlast with the baby, have there been any problems? (Of course, your family is probably much more evolved than my ILs, but I was just curious!)

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sorry for the delayed response...
I kept my name because thre is a very good chance our historically important family name would end with my generation. Sweet's name comes from his dad, but he was raised by his step-dad, so he has never felt all that connected to his last name. He has a good relationship with his birth father, but never lived with him and feels much more connected to his step-dad, so it wasn't all that important for him to keep his birth-father's name in rotation.

The only problem was with the great grandfather who carries that family's name. A few weeks after Mahko was born, we got a handwritten note from the greatgrandfather asking us to include that name in the boy's full name as a second middle name. Since this is an enormous family with lots of people carrying on this somewhat common name, we felt this request was sort of out of line and we chose to politely ignore his request altogether. It was a strange situation. It's not that I don't like that family, I just am not that committed to their name and don't particularly want my son to have a million middle names. (originally he wasn't going to have a middle name at all!) Mahko's middle name is in honor of the stepfather who raised my husband, and it just flowed better with his two unusual names.

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Originally posted by emmalola:
I might feel differently if it sounded like some bad word (I really feel bad for people with Asberger's syndrome, as an example) but my name rhymes with "houses" so it's pretty benign on that front.

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Heh. My last name rhymes with "Boner". Go through grade school with THAT.

Hope no one I know is stalking me on these boards, 'cuz that was a dead giveaway.

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Originally posted by bekkaboo:
Heh. My last name rhymes with "Boner". Go through grade school with THAT.

Hope no one I know is stalking me on these boards, 'cuz that was a dead giveaway.

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That said, I don't get all huffy when people address me as Ms. Hislastname. If I feel it's appropriate, I gently correct them, but I don't take offense. It's just not that big a deal for me.

We're not sure what we're going to do when we have kids... that's a long ways off yet, so we're not too worried. ;) I figure if it's a real problem, I can always change my name later.

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Originally posted by Princessjeanne:
becca boner. heh. heheheh.

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Names are such a personal issue. I have *never* understood why people feel there should be rules or people should be forced to justify their choices. It's your name - do what makes you happy!

I have a stepfamily, and my stepparents used to be married to each other. When my parents were married, my mom kept her maiden name, and gave it to me and my sister as a second middle name. We have my dad's last
name as our last name. Yes, we have four names each - and I always thought it was really cool, growing up.

When my mom married my stepdad, she took his last name, and their son also has that last name.

When my stepmom and dad got married, she kept my stepdad's last name from her first marriage. My stepbrother and stepsister also have my stepdad's last name.

Then my dad and stepmom got divorced, and she went back to her maiden name.

When my sister got married, she and her husband picked a new name - one that had been lost through marriage among their ancestry - and both took it.

When I got married, I kept my name. I always knew I would, and it was never really an issue for us. His family was a bit miffed at first, I think, but they've
gotten over it. I kind of understood where they were coming from, but I feel like a whole bunch of my identity is tied up in being Myname Mylastname - it's taken me a lifetime to learn to like me, why would I
want to make that kind of change? Besides, we're not having any kids, so that wouldn't be an issue.

One thing about keeping that name - I'm not
particularly close to my father, whose name it technically is, but I love his parents, and it's their name too.

Aside from combining names, I think we may have every possible naming choice in my family, and it has never been a huge problem. I've never had the same last name as my mom, and the school would sometimes address her by our last name, but she'd correct them and life would go on. And different last names have never really had any impact on how we felt about each other
as a family - not that I'm saying there weren't other issues...

On a related note, I use "Ms.", always have as an adult. I find it hilarious when I get things addressed to "Mrs. Mylastname", or "Mr. Mylastname" - more often, though, we get things addressed to "Myfirstname Mylastname and Hisfirst name", with no last name for him, 'cause people just can't spell it.

However, I CANNOT STAND getting things addressed to "Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname". It feels like such a total obliteration of me as an individual. I find it personally offensive, and it's hard for me to keep my cool when this happens. I do some deep breathing before ever bringing it to anyone's attention, though, because I assume that most people who do it aren't, actually, trying to personally insult me. I do make a point of bringing it up, though.

We got invititations to a friend's wedding the other day, addressed to "Mr. and Mrs.
Hisfirstname Hislastname". She knew that I had kept my name, so I was confused and annoyed. I asked her about it, and she told me that her mother had addressed the invitations, and insisted on doing it that way, even though my friend had told her I had kept my last name and wouldn't like it,
because it was the proper etiquette.

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Originally posted by yeefan:
the other solution i've heard people come up with is to create a completely new name for both the husband and wife, usually a hybrid of their two original surnames. personally, i always thought that seemed a tad ridiculous, since one of the nice things about last names is that it links you to your ancestors.

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Yes, I agree with you; it's important to be linked to one's ancestors. Making up a name, however well-intentioned, cuts a person loose from all the folks who made you.

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Originally posted by persephone_jane:
Yes, I agree with you; it's important to be linked to one's ancestors. Making up a name, however well-intentioned, cuts a person loose from all the folks who made you.

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Originally posted by persephone_jane:
Yes, I agree with you; it's important to be linked to one's ancestors. Making up a name, however well-intentioned, cuts a person loose from all the folks who made you.

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Originally posted by ralphyr:

So, what happens when Jean Howe-Nowah marries Bobby Brown-Cowe;
Would she then then be Jean Howe-Nowah Brown-Cowe.

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