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Originally posted by KirstenL4W:
I have always looked forward to changing my name. My last name now has given me grief for as long as kids have known how to tease. I'm still trying to block out middle school. And even as an adult, one of my friends was introducing me to his grandfather and sister, and when he said my last name, his sister said, "Dont say that, that's mean!" Of course, anyone who has grown up in this area knows someone in my family. Everyone in my hometown and surrounding towns with my last name is a relative. And everyone who isnt knows one of my relatives. This isnt a small town either. So I cant wait to get rid of my name. I'd like to tell someone my last name instead of just jumping into spelling it, and having to keep respelling it because people just cant imagine that I'm serious when I put those letters together. I dont even pronounce it to people, I'd rather let them seriously mispronounce it than have them say "I'm sorry" upon hearing the correct pronunciation. No, when I get married, I am getting rid of my last name and taking my husband's name.

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Originally posted by Bjerica:
I'm with you Kirsten (I'm really interested to know what your last name is now too). Although it turns out my (very) soon to be husbands is only marginally better!

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Albertine Willamina Marie Renee A.

She's 92 and just legally changed her name...I guess she's always hated it...Go figure.

(edited to say, I just read back through the thread, and realized I said all of this on page one. I also talked about the possibility of having an ex's last name....how wierd that is to think of now!)

I think it would be nice to have my current boyfriend's last name. It's nice and simple, easily pronouncable, no teasing connotations that I can think of... and it's his

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Originally posted by KirstenL4W:

My last name is Wunderlich, pronounced wonder-lick. Even Peacock is better, at least then I would think of a beautiful bird. But Wunderlich? There is no beautiful thing to think of, especially when you hit middle school with buck teeth (since fixed) and thrift store clothes that are way out of style because your stepmother doesnt know how to buy you decent clothes from the mall.

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Originally posted by emmalou:
But honestly, I went to school with a boy whose last name was Glasscock.

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Hehe, I work at a museum, and one of our major donors is named Glasscock, I giggle every time I see his name. We also have a guy whose last name is Butt.

Edited because too many pronouns the first time around made this sound really dirty.

[This message has been edited by Fenchurch (edited 09-18-2002).]

Edited for spelling problems.

Now, as I'm getting ready to finalize my divorce(quite amicably), my husband and I were talking about whether or not I should revert to my maiden name or just keep Melton. He, of course had the same feeling I did, about his name. He never much liked it, and oddly enough, considering his name isn't that difficult, you'd be surprised how many people think the name's Milton. Now at first, I thought, well, I'll just keep Melton. It's simple, it's easy, and Tracy Melton doesn't sound too bad at all. My husband couldn't possibly understand why I would want to keep it. He finds Armogan completely fun and he likes the ethnicity. Much more character than Melton, I think was how he put it.

Anyway, I finally decided to go with Armogan, because, even though I used Melton for all my day to day business, my SS # and tax information was still in my maiden name. I was thinking, well, it doesn't really matter.

Low and behold I was really amazed, the first time I signed my name, my maiden name, after I made the decision. I found that I didn't hate it anymore. Instead, it was such a...happy feeling. I was like. That's -me-. I'm an Armogan!

I think, in alot of ways, it was like...reclaiming my identity. And not really realizing how much of my identity had been wrapped up in my name. For the first time since 99, it was like...I'm just me, I'm not Mrs. Melton, I'm not someone's wife, I'm a singular entity.

another prejudice: i hire people in my current position, and i refuse to even consider resumes from people who address cover letters to "Mr.X" or "Dear Sir." how hard is it to address it to dear sir or madam?

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Originally posted by ecochica:

it's a horrible personal prejudice, i know, but i always feel a tad sorry for women who change their names after marraige. the notion that a woman -- but not a man -- becomes a different person when she gets married is so antiquated.

another prejudice: i hire people in my current position, and i refuse to even consider resumes from people who address cover letters to "Mr.X" or "Dear Sir." how hard is it to address it to dear sir or madam?

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ecochica,

I don't know that it is a horrible personal prejudice. Another little tidbit from my life, which rather lends me to agree with you. My husband's in the military, and perhaps that's part of the reason why I do agree with you. From the moment I became a military wife, in alot of ways 'I' ceased to exist. If I go to make a doctor's appointment, they want my husband's name and SS # because he's considered my sponsor. Alot of times, if we're at a place where we need to show ID, if I try to show my dependent ID to show that we are authorized to be there, they'll ask for his as well. In the military, at least, but I think, to a less stringent, but still palpable degree, in society at large, as soon as your become married, many people cease to associate you with, well, you. You're automatically a wife, someone's responsiblity. Which is really how it is in the military. If I were to do something wrong, not only would I get in trouble, but so would he, because he's supposed to me my sponsor, my guardian, as if I were a child, and not a 27 year old adult. How many times have we married women, or even women who are dating gone to a restaurant, and the bill gets automatically handed to the man, or gone to a store or a business of any kind, and the salesperson speaks to the man first, rather than the woman? We may consider ourselves modern, but too often that 'the man wears the pants in the family' mentality is far too glaringly apparent.

Not to hijack the thread, but I was just wondering about military married life. Is it very different than civilian married life? What branch of the military was your husband in?

I was just curious. My boyfriend is a Marine, and while I'm nowhere near ready for marriage, we've been dating for 4 years and he's been talking more about it. I get conflicting views from different people. Some stress how safe and close-knit the on-base life is, while others talk about how oppressive it is (like they say your house always have to be tidy, b/c higher-ups might just pop by).

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Originally posted by mirabilis:
Here's an interesting question. If you recieved a cover letter, and it was addressed Dear Madam, would you still toss it out because they didn't consider that a man might also read it?

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Originally posted by Lis:
Hi Miribilis,

Not to hijack the thread, but I was just wondering about military married life. Is it very different than civilian married life? What branch of the military was your husband in?

I was just curious. My boyfriend is a Marine, and while I'm nowhere near ready for marriage, we've been dating for 4 years and he's been talking more about it. I get conflicting views from different people. Some stress how safe and close-knit the on-base life is, while others talk about how oppressive it is (like they say your house always have to be tidy, b/c higher-ups might just pop by).

Just bored at work and curious. You may not even have lived on base, but I guess I'm just wondering about being a military wife in general.

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My husband's in the Navy, and even though he's been in the Navy the entire time we've been married, I have had a chance to view life from both sides of the fence, as the first half of our marriage we lived in a regular apartment, and now we live in military housing.

When we lived in regular housing, I didn't really notice much of a difference from when, before I got married, I was living with someone who was not in the military. Then, we mostly just had to deal with military things, like showing ID to get onto the base, or onto the pier when I had to go to his ship.

In military housing, we have really strict rules to live by. While housing managers doesn't usually come into your home, I have heard of people being cited when the managers did come inside, and felt the house was not as clean or tidy as they felt was appropriate. What I have noticed, is that they are very, very strict about keeping the area around your house clean. Here for example, they do weekly inspections, and if they find anything wrong with your designated area, they write it up on a form, and give you three days to correct it. if you continue to leave it uncorrected, they will file a report/complaint with your command.

Another thing that I have noticed, which was not as apparent when we were at our first duty station, where he was on a ship, as opposed to being on shore duty, is that that Navy really does not seem to care that you have a life outside of being in the military. They will call you at any time they want, they will give you heck for trying to get leave, if alot of people are taking leave, and they make it very clear that you're a sailor first, and a husband/wife and family man/woman second. They bought you and they intend to collect.

As for safe and close-knit. Yes, I have found the on base housing to be very safe, with many patrols from the base police, and I've never heard of any trouble at all, which is very nice, considering the base where we live, is in one of the worst parts of north Chicago.

I have not, however, ever found that things were close-knit. Perhaps it is because I don't have children, but I find that, for me at least, I have always had trouble getting to know the other Navy wives, because I really don't have anything in common with them. Can't really go hang out at the playground with your kids and strike up a conversation, or meet up at the school for PTA meetings.

They do have something called The Navy Wives CLub, which is SUPPOSED to be an organization that has gatherings and stuff where you can meet other wives and get to know people, but in reality, at least in Washington where I did attend a meeting, it was nothing but a bunch of bored housewives sitting around talking about how much they hated their husbands and were only with them because they had secure jobs and free benefits.

The other trouble I have, is that I find that many Navy wives seem to think that their husband's rank somehow gives them a rank of their own. When I went to my husband's ship for a family day cruise, I found that most of the wives who's husband's had a higher rank than my husband would not talk to me, because they felt I was below them. If I talk to wives at all, it seems like they're all wives of men my husband's rank or lower. There's a big division of power, and I've known at least one woman, who was in the Air Force, who at their housing complex, they were required to put a placard on their door which showed what rank the military member in the family had, so people would be warned ahead of time.

Another thing to keep in mind, is that your spouse may not always be assigned somewhere where you can live too. A friend of ours, for example, was stationed in Saudi Arabia, and family was not allowed to travel with the military member, so his family had to stay behind in Washington while he finished his year's duty in SA. And I'm not sure about the Marines, but when my husband was on sea duty, his ship was often away for months at a time, with little to no contact available or possible.

The worst it ever was, my husband's ship was on its way to San Diego for training, and I got an email. 'We're being deployed. I can't tell you where we're going, I don't know when we'll be back.' The ship was completely incommunicado for three weeks, and he wasn't able to tell me where they went or what they did until a year later, when the security restrictions were lifted. I can't say this will ever happen to you, but in a military family, it is always a possibility.

All in all, there are ALOT of downsides to being a military wife, but really it's what you make it. It takes alot of work and effort not to feel marginalized, not to feel as if you are completely secondary to your husband/wife's career. It becomes easier if/when you realize that at work, they're a soldier/sailor/marine first, but home time is your time. So you get used to sharing.

And there are alot of good points too. The Navy at least, does offer many services, like job hunting classes, help for spouses to find work when they move to new locations, family activities, new parent activities and assistance, if you're on or near a large enough base, a ton of free facilities, from gymnasiums to pools to libraries and computer labs. The commissary(grocery store) and exchange(where you buy stuff like you would at department stores) are always money savers.

I think you get OUT of a military life what you put into it. And remember, just because your husband is in the military, doesn't mean you are too. You're not -required- to get involved in military wife things just because you're part of a military family. If you'd rather avoid the military spouse things they offer(as I have, for the most part), that's completely fine. The only rules are the ones you make yourself.

Well, except that rule about how to properly hang and set a roll of toilet paper. I think they are sticklers for that.(*j/k*)

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Originally posted by mirabilis:
the bill gets automatically handed to the man, or gone to a store or a business of any kind, and the salesperson speaks to the man first, rather than the woman? We may consider ourselves modern, but too often that 'the man wears the pants in the family' mentality is far too glaringly apparent.

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Amen to that one... I can't tell you how many times my credit card has been handed to my roommate (who is male) when we go out to eat or something. Hello, the name on the card is Jeanne, and if you're not 100% certain who gets the card fromt the name you should put it in the middle of the table. Sheesh. [/end hijack]

Edited to say: they have toilet paper rules in the Navy? Wow.

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Originally posted by Princessjeanne:
Edited to say: they have toilet paper rules in the Navy? Wow.

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Hee, yes, they do. As I recall, the proper way is something along the lines of...

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Originally posted by Bjerica:
The first thing he said though was that it would be hell for family historians! Luckily records are kept much better than they used to be.

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Yeah, as a family historian I can say with gusto that it would be confusing if people were to change their names entirely. However, many people did, at least here in the U.S., when they immigrated here. many families changed the spellings of their names, often dropping letters that were silent. There's a point in history when you have to search for a person by two or three different spellings... which just adds a lot of work. And yeah, the records have gotten better though. Back then people didn't care if they spelled the name right on the paperwork or not. Annoying. However, as far as the woman keeping her maiden name. I gotta say, I think that would make it easier. I research both the maternal and paternal lines, and I can't tell you how frustrating it is to find a census record or something where the wife is just recorded as Mrs. Samuel Martin. Thanks. Occassionally you can find a first name, but dang it's hard to track down the maiden names sometimes.

It's obvious to me now that my "not feeling like" Schmance Hislastname was more about my having grown out of the relationship and feeling stifled in the marriage. I wasn't conscious of this at the time, but taking back my family name was my way of saying (before I actually said it to him verbally) "I can't be married to you any longer." At least in my case, changing names was highly symbolic and meaningful.

Dave didn't even know I was doing any change until the day of the wedding -- he just assumed I wouldn't be changing it. It was a fun little surprise.

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Originally posted by Bjerica:
The first thing he said though was that it would be hell for family historians! Luckily records are kept much better than they used to be.

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You just reminded me of the ridiculous thing that happened when we started taking our taxes to an accountant. I had done the taxes the previous year, and I filed as Septembergirl & Husband LastName, so that's what our mailing label said. The accountant took one look and said, why do you have the wife's name first? And we said, um, why not? And he said, well, it's going to mess up my computer program.

Uhhh.... what? Your computer can tell whether our names are male or female?

Anyway. So our taxes are now Husband & Septembergirl LastName. We chalked it up to him being so old.

It's funny, this thread gave me an idea so simple that I'm surprised I never thought of it. I think I mentioned that I want to change my maiden name into my middle name, because I miss it. But my husband is sad about that, because he likes my old middle name. Except he is the only one who ever uses it. So why not have four names? That way I can use the middle name I like, and he can use the one he likes, and we're all happy. Except maybe the people trying to trace me.

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Originally posted by emmalou:
Oh, Kirsten, I'm so relieved! I don't think Wunderlich is bad either (I just think, "Oh, intersting, it's German" for about half a sec) but I know how mean kids AND adults can be-- I was tortured primarily by adults in the working world before changing my first name, which was Juana ("What?" Juana. "Kwana?" Juana. "Kana?" Juana. "Oh, WANNA!" Sigh. Right. "Huh-huh. Whaddya WANNA do? HAHAHAHA!", etc, etc, ad nauseaum, amen.). But honestly, I went to school with a boy whose last name was Glasscock.

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My last name is a common Angelo-Saxon one, and my boyfriend has a typical German one... which, in Germany, would be no big deal, but here in the U.S. it gets botched on a regular basis. So he's actually considered taking MY last name, should we marry.

I thought he was kidding, but no, he's actually contemplating it.

Which amuses ME to no end, because I always swore that I would marry a guy with a SHORT surname... oh well. I would consider taking his name, but I kinda like mine, too.

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Originally posted by KirstenL4W:

My last name is Wunderlich, pronounced wonder-lick. Even Peacock is better, at least then I would think of a beautiful bird. But Wunderlich? There is no beautiful thing to think of, especially when you hit middle school with buck teeth (since fixed) and thrift store clothes that are way out of style because your stepmother doesnt know how to buy you decent clothes from the mall.

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I really had to pause to think of why that might be embarassing, to tell the truth. But then again, I don't have the twisted, demented mind that most (pre) pubescent boys have.

Okay, we are still doing the "gretchen and hypothetical offspring are gretchenlastnames" BUT, here's a question:

Can I be a Mrs. Greschyalastname? I really want to be identified as married, but we really don't want to carry on hislastname at all. Especially now that I'm in a school setting, when I have a name on my door or have to sign papers, is it okay to sign it Mrs. once I'm married (IN EIGHT DAYS! )The kids call me Mrs most of the time anyway, but in dealing with parents and the public, I'd like it to be 'official' you know?