|
|
|
|
|
 DigsBoards
 host
 Wedding gift etiquette (Page 1)
|
 UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! This topic is 2 pages long: 1 2 |
next newest topic | next oldest topic |
| Author | Topic: Wedding gift etiquette |
|
Merimoo Housemate |
posted 08-07-2003 09:19 PM
  
You're not supposed to bring gifts to the actual wedding, right? Do you just have stuff shipped to their house or what? IP: Logged |
|
lduds Housemate |
posted 08-08-2003 05:19 AM
Okay, in my experience this varies by region. Where I come from (Long Island/New York City area), actual gifts are sent ahead of time and gifts of cards with money or gift cards are brought to the wedding. Where I am now, Maryland, people often bring gifts and cards to the wedding and there's even a "gift table" set up at the reception. So basically, it depends where you are. The first time I saw a gift table I was appalled! Then after a few weddings, I realized that was normal for down here! My boyfriend is from the Midwest and it’s expected to bring gifts to the wedding there too. I think you can’t go wrong with sending them ahead of time though. It’s easier on you and the couple in my opinion. [This message has been edited by lduds (edited 08-08-2003).] IP: Logged |
|
Josh Housemate |
posted 08-08-2003 06:44 AM
In agreement with Iduds... but I thought we should go to the source... so this is from Emily Post: How soon should I send a gift? Do I have to choose a gift from a registry? How much should I spend? Is it appropriate to give money? What do I do if I haven't received a thank you note? IP: Logged |
|
heather Housemate |
posted 08-08-2003 06:45 AM
For every wedding I've been to, there has always been a gift table and some kind of card collector thingy (ie. a 'fountain' with a slit in it to slid the cards into) set up. Bear in mind that these weddings all took place in the Michigan/Wisconsin area. IP: Logged |
|
Dewgirl Housesitter |
posted 08-08-2003 07:18 AM
Ditto to what Heather said for the Midwest region. I've been on some wedding websites lately, and it seems like EVERYTHING varies by region. You should see these ladies argue over open or cash bars. Yikes. I've often wondered, for the areas where you're supposed to send the gift to the couple rather than bring it to the ceremony, is there still that wretched tradition of the day-after-the-wedding gift opening? IP: Logged |
|
mariposa Housemate |
posted 08-08-2003 09:06 AM
I haven't heard of the day-after-the-wedding gift opening ... what is that? In Texas, you can bring gifts to the reception, but most people I know send them in advance. It's just easier for everyone involved, I think. We'll have a gift table at our wedding next year. IP: Logged |
|
meggo Housemate |
posted 08-08-2003 09:15 AM
I think it totally depends on the gift really and where you are. I know at my wedding - most of my guests sent gifts because the wedding was in Canada & my family is from the US - so it was easier to send a gift than bring a wrapped gift through customs. We had a gift table & a basket to put cards in so they wouldn't get lost. We did do a "gift opening" the next day at our new house. But it wasn't anything really. We had put all the presents in my parents & sister car & had to get it all to the new house. So we just unloaded them and started opening them. It was my parents, grandma, her date & sisters and us. I would have preferred to do it alone to be honest... I'm going to a wedding tomorrow and we're taking money in a card. I have been too busy to purchase an actual gift except for the shower... IP: Logged |
|
heather Housemate |
posted 08-08-2003 09:19 AM
quote: I hate the idea of opening gifts with other people there. They do that in Michigan. I know that whenever I get married, the boy and I will open our gifts ALONE at our home. IP: Logged |
|
lduds Housemate |
posted 08-08-2003 12:49 PM
I've never heard of "day-after-the-wedding-gift-opening." I've never seen it either. I bet that's regional as well. Sounds terribly embarrassing if there's more than close immediate family present. I wouldn't do it. I know that if a gift is sent early, the couple is welcome to open the gift early and it's somewhat expected to send a thank-you early too, but that depends on the circumstances. IP: Logged |
|
Epicurus Housemate |
posted 08-08-2003 02:35 PM
We did a day-or-two-after gift opening for all three of my sisters, but it wasn't a public affair--it was just Mom, Dad, and the siblings after everyone else was gone. IP: Logged |
|
yam Housemate |
posted 08-09-2003 01:54 AM
Hah! We had a little debate about this today. Boy's parents just came back from a relative-crawl back east and brought with them a wrapped wedding gift from an aunt. The crowd was split 50-50 over "open now? or wait until the day of?" Picture if you will yam flipping through a miss manners book while boy is opening the gift while boy's dad is saying "no! no! not today!" while boy's mom is saying "well why not?" while boy's cousin is giggling. Heh. Final tally: miss manners thinks it's fine to open it when it arrives in the mail, while the aunt who sent the gift dated her card with the date of our wedding, August 16th, and so obviously disagrees with miss manners. Hee hee. So we're going to date her thank-you card August 17th but use the funky fruit bowl she sent us starting right now. IP: Logged |
|
geckogurl Housesitter |
posted 08-11-2003 07:54 PM
I'm in CT, and I've never been to a wedding where there wasn't a gift table. IP: Logged |
|
PB&J Housemate |
posted 06-07-2004 11:12 AM
I am bumping this because I have a question: The wedding invite I got in the mail today says "presentation only". I personally find this kind of thing on the invitation offensive and akin to begging. Would I be out of line to send a gift instead of money? (I know the couple is registered at a couple of places) IP: Logged |
|
chitowngal Housesitter |
posted 06-07-2004 11:16 AM
what does "presentation only" mean? IP: Logged |
|
bekkaboo Housesitter |
posted 06-07-2004 11:17 AM
quote: I've never heard of that....what's it mean? Edited to add: Beat me to it! Jinx! [This message has been edited by bekkaboo (edited 06-07-2004).] IP: Logged |
|
PB&J Housemate |
posted 06-07-2004 12:27 PM
"Presentation only" means the couple would only like gifts of money. (this must be a regional saying) IP: Logged |
|
chitowngal Housesitter |
posted 06-07-2004 12:37 PM
wow...I don't think I'd have the balls to say that... IP: Logged |
|
jazzberry Housemate |
posted 06-07-2004 12:38 PM
hmmm...if they only want money, why did they register? That's kind of silly. Yeah, I'd just buy something off of the registry. I find that when you give money, you usually end up spending more money than if you had purchased a gift. At least with a gift, you can shop around and find some registry items on sale. But, yeah...I don't like the sound of that "presentation only" business. IP: Logged |
|
natalie Housemate |
posted 06-07-2004 12:39 PM
quote: Ewwww... I think that's tacky. I would send whatever gift I, as the gifter, find appropriate. I don't think you can ever tell someone what you do and do not want for a gift that they are giving to you. I would go ahead and do what pleases me, whether that's a gift or money or the ugliest tchotcke I could find IP: Logged |
|
pollyhyper Housesitter |
posted 06-07-2004 12:49 PM
That IS tacky. IP: Logged |
|
bekkaboo Housesitter |
posted 06-07-2004 12:53 PM
quote: I was wondering the same thing. I guess if you have enough stuff, and you're trying to pay for a wedding/honeymoon/whatever, it might make sense to just ask for $$, but it still seems kinda rude to me. I don't like to give gifts of money myself, even when I don't know what to get someone - I just don't like people to know how much I spent on them, I'm always afraid it's too much/too little. I'm sure it's fine to send a gift from their registry - if they don't want gifts other than monetary, why'd they bother to register? IP: Logged |
|
LazyGoddess Housemate |
posted 06-07-2004 01:04 PM
The couple probably registered for shower / engagement gifts. I'm told that is considered rude by some not to recieve a gift if you were invited to or attened an engagement party. I had a friend that went that route. Seemed pretty tasteless to me, but she was the bride. IP: Logged |
|
kmarie Housesitter |
posted 06-07-2004 06:01 PM
Here's a question - is it good etiquette to include a gift receipt w/ a wedding gift that came directly from their registry? This isn't a big ticket item, but it is a power tool that could have to be returned at some point. Also - I live in the same building as the couple (and work with one of them) - do I bring it to the wedding? Drop it off before? Bring it to work? I missed the chance to give it to them at their shower because I'm lazy and didn't get out to the mall. IP: Logged |
|
natalie Housemate |
posted 06-07-2004 07:08 PM
quote: I think it's perfectly proper to attach the gift receipt - I would make sure to put it inside the box rather than on the outside, or otherwise in with the card, so that it doesn't get lost. I think it's best to drop the gift off at their place so they don't have to schlepp it home from work. In my experience most people send the gift ahead of or after the wedding rather than bringing it with to the ceremony, but as with all wedding etiquette questions, there's no right answer IP: Logged |
|
kena Housesitter |
posted 06-08-2004 07:41 AM
quote: Huh, that's tacky. If I received an invitation like that, I'd be really mean and give them something they couldn't return to the store, like nice vintage tea towels or something handmade. IP: Logged |
|
jstrizzy Housemate |
posted 06-08-2004 10:50 AM
didn't we have this discussion (complete with "what's tacky to some is culturally accepted/expected to others") a while ago? maybe it was a different thread, but it did get heated, so let's make sure to play nice this time and not presume that customs regarding wedding gifts are the same everywhere... IP: Logged |
|
gemini Housemate |
posted 06-08-2004 10:58 AM
jstrizzy, that's a good point which I hadn't considered. I am curious, though, to know if the whole "presentation only" thing is culturally acceptable somewhere. I haven't ever heard of that, but I would be incredibly offended if I recieved an invitation that demanded cash. But I hadn't thought about the fact that it might have cultural roots different from mine. IP: Logged |
|
chitowngal Housesitter |
posted 06-08-2004 11:08 AM
I think that discussion was regarding having the money bag as part of the receiving line, there was also the whether or not to get something off the registry that got heated too... IP: Logged |
|
cablejunkie Housemate |
posted 06-08-2004 12:08 PM
In asian cultures, giving cash is common (at least among the first generation) and understood. In my circle of asian friends, people register and let the guests decide if they want to give a cash gift or not. If the couple wants cash, then it's kind of understood because they'll have a skimpy registry. They let their families and attendants spread the word by mouth. I understand about feeling offended by people explicitly asking for cash...it's like being told what to give rather than choosing a gift that you think the couple would like. But then again, I guess you could think the same about a registry. Lalala, I'm rambling. IP: Logged |
|
Aryn Housemate |
posted 06-08-2004 12:52 PM
While I do think it's tacky to say it on the invitation, I can understand wanting cash gifts only. I just moved last week into a tiny apartment, and after unpacking all the stuff from my shower, there's hardly room to fit anything in here! I keep deleting more stuff off my registry because it would have fit in our last apartment, but won't fit here. One time, I was listening to Prarie Home Companion, and they were talking about a (fictional) couple getting married, and stating on their invitations: "We are embarking on our life's journey together. We are, however, packing light. Cash gifts only." I thought that was amusing. IP: Logged |
|
PB&J Housemate |
posted 06-08-2004 12:57 PM
I was offended by the invite because I feel if explicit pleas for cash are made I feel like I was just invited for my gift-giving potential. Some people in my area don't have a problem with this and don't understand the why you shouldn't put info like that in a wedding invitation. It made me so mad that I considered not going to the wedding or giving them a gift at all (maybe a PMSy overreaction, but it is how I felt) When I got married (a year and a half ago) I used the family grapevine to spread my registry info, but I feel like registries are only guidelines, not requirements. You can find out what the couple needs, colour schemes, etc but you don't have to necessarily buy from it. IP: Logged |
|
jstrizzy Housemate |
posted 06-08-2004 02:13 PM
Yup, this is very much like the previous discussion (I wish I could remember which thread it was in!). There were some of us who felt that stating "cash only" made it clear the guests were being invited only for what they would give as a gift, and those who pointed out that in some cultures cash is customary and expected and giving tangible gifts is rare. I'm not generally a complete cultural relativist, but I think that for gift-giving a lot depends on the cultural context. Perhaps the more appropriate question is not whether asking for cash is tacky in general, but is it considered tacky among the friends, family, and community of the bride and groom? IP: Logged |
|
chitowngal Housesitter |
posted 06-08-2004 02:20 PM
I think like everything, it does vary from culture to culture, and just within the US "american" culture. Its just "one of those things" that people will always disagree on, even within a culture. I'm not sure that even Miss Manners or Emily Post could satisfactorily cover this one! IP: Logged |
|
pollyhyper Housesitter |
posted 06-08-2004 02:31 PM
quote: First off, Aryn, you score mad points for quoting PHC. I looooove that show. What I would give for a lazy Sunday sitting on the porch swing drinking lemonade with Garrison and having him tell me stories. Second, I agree, it's totally nderstandable to want cash gifts, but if you're gonna have the balls to flat-out REQUEST cash, at least phrase it nicely/humorously, as on PHC. Not "Presentation Only." That sounds like an anal-retentive policy or something. IP: Logged |
|
hairgirl Housemate |
posted 06-17-2004 06:13 PM
I know when I was getting married in all the etiquette books they made it very clear that under no circumstances are you to put anything with your wedding invitation about presents and registries. You could only include that info in your shower invites. So my thought is that you should never put those words on your invitation. You should just pass the word around with relatives that you only want money. I also think that if you get money for the wedding you should include in the thank you note what you are planning to use it for. Like write: Thank you so much for your generous gift. Boy and I are planning on buying a grill with it. Or something like that. IP: Logged |
|
swapna Subletter |
posted 06-18-2004 07:42 AM
We are recovering from Financial trials. Informed by step daughter of their marriage in las Vegas. Informed of their giving a cocktail, finger food 2pm party at the grooms parents house. They live in Florida. We live in Chicago. The groom is nice. But we are just informed with no regard for our availibility and ability. One familyfriend that Step-daughter knows is attending from our side. We will host a Chinese dinner for his 7 member family because they are coming 75 miles away. We are in a limbo because I feel we should include the grooms parent and the couple. On the present --- I would be able to give $500 + a present that they registered for plus we will foot almost +$300 for dinner. We are both in our 50s and I am not in good health. Any feedback will be gratefully apprecia IP: Logged |
|
gemini Housemate |
posted 06-18-2004 10:18 AM
swapna, I think that whatever you do will be appreciated. I'm sure your stepdaughter understands your financial situation. It is unfortunate that you feel left out of the wedding plans, but just keep in mind that it is *their* day, and it is important that they have a wedding that is special and meaningful to them. A lot of brides get guilt-tripped into having a wedding they don't want just so their families won't get mad at them. Similarly, I think a lot of parents get guilt-tripped into spending way more on a wedding than they can really afford. There is no reason for either you or your stepdaughter to fall into those silly wedding traps. I'd say that your stepdaughter would prefer your emotional support over your money any day! Just be happy for her. Do whatever you want to for the wedding, but remember there's no reason to spend more money than you can comfortably afford. IP: Logged |
|
swapna Subletter |
posted 06-18-2004 12:10 PM
Thank You Gemini. We do want her to be happy in her new life. My husband felt like giving $1000 + what it would cost to have dinner. He feels pressured. We just refinanced and have obligations and a thousand dollars will set us back. By next week I would like to be at a comfortable place where nothing mars their celebration. $500 + dinner + something from the registry or add what we would pick from the registry would be doable for now. Can you or anyone say anything to help I really appreciate. Being a stepmother is hard. Her mother abobdoned her and I raised her from when she was 12 and now she is livig close to her mother. Mother will not be at this reception. Thank you. IP: Logged |
|
kena Housesitter |
posted 06-21-2004 08:09 AM
Moved from another thread... sorry if this is long; I was on vacation.
quote: Merimoo: Whenever, I think. I've always heard you have up to a year after the wedding to give the gift. There's another wedding gift etiquette thread, in Host, I think - check it out for more answers. Princessjeanne: "Whenever" sounds like a time frame to me. Balto: I was looking for something more definitive like either New Years or July? thedivinemissA: are you attending the wedding or the reception? both? if you think about it gifts are usually given(set on a table)at the reception,unless you are unable to attend which i assume you can mail or drop off the gift personally.are you buying a wedding gift or a baby gift-IM JUST MAKING A JOKE -i couln't help it,hope this helps! balto: Well I am attending Both would it be rude to ask? thedivinemissA: I really don't think it would be a big deal either way, considering that you are attending the wedding 1st go ahead and give it to them then-plus you won't be as busted as you would be after Christmas( i don't know your fin.situation,but i know i am always broke after the holiday)just a suggestion! balto: Yeah I guess you are right with xmas and stuff; everyones busted at xmas. hairgirl: I would give at the wedding so that they can use it those months in between. I am sure they will be needing them since you usually register for stuff you need to set up home. Plus that way they can get there home set up before the baby comes. balto: I have made a decision I am going with July besides there is the baby gift to think of in November. IP: Logged |
|
Sophie Housemate |
posted 07-13-2004 01:42 AM
we are just back from honeymoon and have opened our presents this week. All of them were very gratefully received (although truth be told one or two went straight into the stair cupboard and are going to be irreparably damaged in the first typhoon we get this summer). My service to future brides and grooms is to tell all guests to tape your card very, very firmly to the box, or write your name clearly on the envelope for cash. We have a few lai see envelopes of cash which we have no idea who gave us, and a few anonymous presents. Initially I thought it was overkill when one guest not only taped his card to the present on all four sides of the envelope, but also wrote his name on the wrapping paper. Now I realise he's just been there, done that, written the embarrassing "uh, we have a few orphan gifts, could one of them possibly be yours?" emails. And I would have loved it if people had sent their presents to the house, instead of bringing them to the reception. It was a huge pain to keep an eye on them and get them back to the best man's house when all we wanted to do was flop in the hotel room and watch bad TV in the jacuzzi. [This message has been edited by Sophie (edited 07-13-2004).] IP: Logged |
This topic is 2 pages long: 1 2 All times are PT (US) | next newest topic | next oldest topic |
  |
|
Ultimate Bulletin Board 5.47d
