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copyright
©1999-2000
DigsMagazine.com.
|
In
Praise
of SLOTH
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4
continued from page 3 |
Law Three:
Snacks are your friends, utensils are not.
Chips, cookies, grapes, chicken legs -- remember your stone age pals,
eat everything with your hands. No dishes allowed. If you're eating with
hands, you won't need them anyway.
Law 4: Daytime movies are God's gift to
sloth.
This is a slight deviation from our stone age ethic, but that's what
true sloth is all about, making up your own rules. The ultimate sloth
fare: daytime movies that will not tax you in any way. No complicated
plots, no heavy dramas. Sloth movies include anything that will lull you
into a gentle nostalgic reverie, warming you in both body and spirit. The best place to find these films is during the middle of
the day on obscure American cable channels, where they run one after the
other, all-gloriously daylong. Whoever programs these channels has a
sense of humour, offering entire days of sloth- conducive fare - a series
of buddy films starring such ill-fated leftover stars as Jim Belushi or
Charles Grodin, a Burt Reynolds film festival, and back-to-back showings
of Z-grade horror movies like The Leprechaun and Critters
III.
On the off chance that no theme days are available, flip channels
aimlessly, stopping only once you reach something like The Bad News Bears Go to Japan
or
Jaws - Part 6 (The Revenge). Should you be so lucky as to
stumble across the latter, you can enjoy bar none the greatest acting by
a large floating grey turd ever. The turd is quite magical, able to
travel faster than any airplane and commune psychically with the poor befuddled actress who is the lone survivor of the original Jaws movie.
You can almost see the thoughts forming in a bubble above her head,
"Where is Roy Scheider when you need him?" The amazing turd also has the ability to speak, or,
more accurately, rear up out of the water and roar like a pissed-off
schnauzer. And as an added bonus, you'll be treated to the sights and
sounds of Mario Van Peebles in dreadlocks and a horrendous
"Jamaican mon" accent, as well as Michael Caine dancing to a
salsa beat, an acting display so monumentally embarrassing you will have
to look away and blush every time you come back from a commercial.
After a week of the sloth lifestyle, you will be so desperate to get
back to work, you will burst into tears when your computer boots
up.
o
Dorothy
Woodend is a writer, illustrator and teacher living in
Vancouver. She recently completed a series of illustrations for a
children's book entitled Maggie & Shine (published by
Hodgepog Books in July 1999), and has written and illustrated for both
the Vancouver Sun and the Loop Magazine.
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