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how reality sideswiped a thousand miles of expectation
by Megan Thome | 1
2 3 4
continued from page 1
Nicknames and pseudonyms are strongly encouraged for the following
reasons: one, to more sufficiently identify and complement our physical
transformation, and two, to throw law enforcement officers off track.
reality 3 We chose old-man names.
The blonde? Fred. The African queen? Al. Me? Clyde. And the law
enforcement officers were members of the Charleston, S.C. fire
department. Hunkalicious. The spontaneous street interviewing that I was
doing with my video camera landed us an invitation to slide down the
fireman’s pole. Despite the innuendo, we climbed to the second floor,
were straddled by a law-abiding beefcake and took the leap down the
brass into an applauding crowd of even more all-American beefcakes.
rule 4 The driver is the DJ. That's
reality 4 All but, I’d say, 80
miles of our 1,000-mile road trip was driven by yours truly. I like to
drive as much as I like licking toilets. And no amount of old-skool
hip-hop was going to make my 5’11" body fit better into our
eight-miles-on-the-odometer, silver Mitsubishi Spyder convertible.
5 All roadside oddities are of
interest, such as flea circuses, the biggest anythings in the world and,
of course, midgets.
reality 5 The most notable oddities
on the trip were, disappointingly, ourselves. Fred and I developed
a pink-speckled-jellybean-like rash as a result of shellfish and
sunshine. It was quite impressive. Al showed us how her stomach muscles
can relax to the point of looking seven months pregnant. And at one
point, all three of us piled onto a rickshaw that was built to hold only
two. Onlookers gawked at the poor sweaty guy pedaling uphill to take
three Cleopatras to dinner. Once again, being cool was virtually
Eat pizza at I Love New
York Pizza in Chapel Hill, N.C.
Rent a headset at Lowe’s
Motor Speedway in Concord, N.C.
Get a $5 nail polish
change at Best Nails in Charlotte, N.C.
Patronize the annual
Spoleto Festival in Charleston, S.C.
Dine at Garibaldi’s,
a bistro in historic Charleston, S.C.
Be nice to the concierge
at the Historic Downtown Holiday Inn, Charleston, S.C.
Spend an afternoon at
Folly Beach, S.C.
Listen to "Soak Up
the Sun" by Sheryl Crow in Myrtle Beach, S.C.
moseying this way for more
lounge . nourish
host . laze
. home .